FML
by brownbagspecial
Summary: My catchpharse: FML. Why? Because I'm Leah Clearwater, the beta of Jacob Black, the ex from hell of Sam Uley and the most hottest bad she wolf this little world has ever seen. Welcome to my life.
1. Preview: Fuck with Leah day

**So I got this from KrumCake's fanfic: Well this sucks Life according Seth I just wanted to do a Leah twist to it. So the idea is from her but the things that happen is from me. So this is a little preview of a diary entry just to give you guys a little taste.**

Fml

Chapter One- Fuck with Leah day

Janaury, 3rd – after voultri *fight*

I hate this bullshit. How come these cocksucking bloodsuckers hyped me up, making me think that I was going to kick some ancient frozen vampire ass. But oh no they had to call it all peacefully and shit and we had to stay in the back of Jake and play nice doggies.

And do you know what the head vampire did? He wants a fucking pet werewolf in his big ass collection. I mean he was kind of creepin me out. I mean I'm not used to being stared at in such a…. I don't know creepy looking. He kind of reminded me of how Hugh Heffner looked at his 17 year old wife.

But speaking of old creppy guys marrying younger wives Bella is seriously getting on my nerves. Why are we congratlating her for looking like she was about to take a shit and making an invisable forcefeild sheild. I mean Seth could probably do that. The Star Wars obsessed freak could probably use the force more better than that skinny bitch.

**So this isn't the whole journal entry, btw just tell me what you think about this little excerpt, and I will surely post again. But I gotta good feeling about this story and anywaaays I'm out. Oh and don't worry it may be funny because I don't have to be sober anymore after today. So hell yeah, imma bout to find me some kush and orange juice.**

**Love you so much and REVIEW BITCHES rape the shit out of that button.**

** Look down and click and tells me whats up.**


	2. The power of the doubie

**So you guys have been saying you need a freaking bigger chapter and I was all like, ok I can do that. I mean I seriously don't have a life. Anywho I minus well tell you now I don't know if I can update on Saturday like I usually do, since I might go to this party and I have a sleep over. God help me it's an all girl sleepover, plz if you love me pray for me.**

**FML **

**Chapter 2- Repect the doubie**

January 10th

So the little battle is over and I guess Jake thought it was okay to abandon his pack to watch the little Mistake Spawn learn French. So now I'm proven useless and running borders by myself.

_Seth go ahead and take over my shift, I am so out of here_

_Leah, you cant just abandon your duties like that,_ Seth scolded. What was he going to do, tell Jacob on me? Shiiit I may be his beta but he's my bitch.

_I bet you wouldn't say that to his face._ Seth snorted.

_Please I know I would. And you're my baby brother so you do what I say, and I'm da biggest baddest beta in the fucking world._ I was beginning to feel full of my self.

_Fine Lee go. Just be sure you try to make it up, I hate to see you get chewed out by jake._

_Please that is the only way jake can eat any girl out._

_Gross!_

I laughed as I phased back. My brother was such a prude, that is what happens when you're BFFs with a freaking vampire that waited a hundred years to lose his virginity to a dimwitted bitch who doesn't know her vagina from a whole in a wall.

I looked around to see where I wanted to go. Home was so out, my mom knew what we have been doing for the past couple of weeks now that she is on the council and she is just waiting to tan my hide like she did Seth. Well fuck that!

Sighing, I stomped towards the Call's house. Embry would for sure be there, because just like me he didn't have a life. Except of course his longtime love Mary Jane.

Ah yes Embry and Mary Jane has been way past the stage of puppy love. Embry went no where without the support of Mary Jane, shit you would've thought Call imprinted on Mary Jane the way they are always together. Shit, I've only been with Mary Jane a couple of times, but if I want to be friends with Embry, I have to love Mary too.

Yeah that's right folks Embry Call is a big, fat stoner. Yeah I was shocked too when I first realized it, but then it kinda made sense. Who can actually deal with Sam so calmly while sober? No one, shit even I had to take a couple of shots of tequila to try to be sociable with him. And anyone can tell you that that didn't go so well. But anyway back to the infamous stoner, no wonder he didn't phase all the time when he was mad. Weed makes you happy, so he could as freely as he wanted to.

Hmmm lets see the door or the window? Well I know Ms. Call wasn't home since she was on vacation finally from that horrid job at the factory. So Embry was probably at home smoking in his room staring at nothing or having a Friday marathon.

Window defiantly, it so funny to try to scare the shit of a oblivious stoned teenager. I commando rolled like the skilled ninja I am into the smoke filled window. I found Embry spread out with a joint in his hand staring at nothing but the ceiling.

"Ohh smooth my ninja." He complemented me without even looking my way. Damn those wolfy senses. "What brings you into my humble Blunt Cave?" he asked curiously. I shrugged and then sat next to him on his bed. He offered me the burning blunt.

I had two options here: Just say no or say hell yes. I choose the latter one and took a long hit. I know being a wolf and all made it hard to muten my senses, so he must've had a really good weedman because that shit hit me like a freight train.

"What is this?" I asked looking at the blunt. Damn it was **glowing.** He laughed and took it from me he whispered lightweight and took a long hit. So he hasn't heard of puff, puff pass huh?

Jan. 11th

Today I finally grew my big boy balls and decided it was time to face my mother. I mean I am 20 years old what is the possibly worst she could do to me?

Make me an emotion pregnant woman.

So I came home boldly in the door. (soft knock) and then I looked around for the old Mustache Warrior a.k.a Charlie, and sadly he wasn't there. I mean yeah I'm not too keen on having my dad's best friend doing my mom, but hey what can you do? I was hoping he would be there so I could get out of something too horrible from my mother.

"Leah, Leah? Is that you honey?" She called from the kitchen. I swallowed a dry lump and walked into the kitchen. Alright let's see if I can really do this.

"Hey mom, what's for dinner?" I asked casually.

"Leah, it's 11am why would I cook dinner at this time?" She looked me up and down curiously. Well I only look stupid in front of my mom, totally not like I just went to war with a bunch of gay ass vampires. So far so good. I stood there like a dumb ass for minute watching her busy herself. "So Leah, let's not beat around the bush. Do you have something you want to tell me?"

"I'm gay." I blurted out.

She turned and study me hard, I amazingly had my face full of stoned seriousness. "Yeah that's right. I'm gay." I repeated again, she looked at me shocked and then proceeded to make me feel like I should abandon my vagina all together.

"Oh well that makes sense, I guess. You don't try to fix yourself up anymore, you don't date even though you're over Sam, you hang out with handsome boys without ever looking twice at them. It would be sensible that you're gay. Oh baby that's great, but where were you for these couple of weeks?" she didn't miss a beat. Damn, never mind that shit. My mom thinks I'm a lesbian!

"Mom, I was kidding I'm not gay. I don't think anyway." I wouldn't mind having a go at it with Victoria Justice or Julia Jones, my twin.

"Oh I know you weren't a carpet muncher, what you thought that this old lady can't keep up with your sarcasm. Where the hell do you think you got that from, your father?" she said with a smile. Well I couldn't argue there, my dad was the most straight to it guy in the fucking world. Well he was.

"I was…"

"Fighting a bunch a big army of old vampires right?" She finished for me. I looked at her question but then remembered Seth. Damn that kid had a big ass mouth. He wondered why I wouldn't take him anywhere, that kid used to be the biggest fucking snitch ever. I taught him the literal meaning of snitches get stitches.

"Yup, except those scary ass fuckholes didn't even raise a hand at us. Though one of the kings bitch-slapped a vampire then burned her snitch ass to the ground. That was the only good part of that whole thing."

"I thought Bella saved you."  
>"It is <em>so<em> Seth to take a bloodsuckers side." I rolled my eyes and drunk my private orange juice straight from the carton.

"Well he is close to Edward." Mom grimaced. Finally I'm not the only one who hates saying even his name out of my mouth.

"It's called Bromance mom." I informed her.

"I'm not gay Leah!" Seth boomed through the door. Mom and I looked at him with weird looks and bursted out laughing. Seth huffed and stormed to his room.

Jan.16th

Thank the lord I have a working vagina! But it comes with a bad side.

Well today Embry bummed off of my DVD player while Seth was at the Cullen's and Mom and Charlie were on a 'date.' Just thinking about what they could do on a date just gave me the creeps. I remember when me and Sam were dating we did a lot of things like fu-

BLEACH! BLEACH!

Anyways….. We were watching this movie with this slutty girl who slept with any and everyone and it was going normal enough. I was just roasting the main character.

"Why do the main character always have to have big ass tits, and long hair. She always have to be fucking some guy when some scary shit happens. The only shit I'll be scared of is his most likely small ass dick that she's bouncing up and down on like it's the best thing since fucking condoms." I ranted. Embry laughed and put his hand on my shoulder. I looked down, he was sitting really close to me.

"You seriously need to get some dick Leah." He advised.

"I was going to say the same to you. The only reason you joined my pack was to watch Jacob and Quil take their clothes off." I smirked.

"Oh I only joined the pack so I could watch _you_ undress, Sexy breast."

"Watch the movie or lose your dick." I threatened. He looked back at the movie tentatively. He just had to be a dick and try that tired old hand over the shoulder technique. His hand was almost to my boob until, I moved my knee to his crotch. He dropped his hand automatically.

A sex scene came on as we watched awkwardly and then I looked away to Embry's direction. Then I realized….

Embry is kinda hot.

Oh great as soon as my pussy cat starts purring it purrs at a fucking useless werewolf stoner. Great it works but it works for, ugh Embry.

**Do you think Leah should get with Embry or just a little phase? Let me know so I can develop this story and have a great day.**

**REVIEW and maybe Rudy might come back and do half of these chapter for me. Its funnier when we both are stoned out of our minds with a pencil.**


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